Vice President Biden on Surprise Visit to Iraq
Joe Biden, plays International part for U.S. in Bagdad
Vice President Biden stepped from his plane, U.S. flag in one hand and bloody mary in the other. He stopped at the top of the stairway, slowly scanned to the right, and then to the left, then carefully lowered his hands. "Where the hell am I ? Gen. Odierno promptly responded. "Bagdad, Mr. Vice President.'' "Bagdad! Damn it." Mr. Biden continued, I'm supposed to be at Pearl Harbor. Rahm and Axelrod never give me the straight crappola. Holy blessed Mary, Mother of God. Well, this is a damn surprise." The General continued, "You've got to meet Jalal Tabalani, Nouri al-Maliki, and Ayod Allawi and assure them of our support and fidelity." Biden fretted on," Oh, shit I just got a new putter and I'm stuck in the WORLDS BIGGEST FUCKING SAND TRAP! "Well sir, the country's counting on you," General Odierno offered. "OK, so I'm supposed to tell Mele Kalikiwaki what?" No sir, that was on your Pearl Harbor briefing, it means Merry Christmas in Hawaii. Refer to your Iraqi material," the General continued. "Jesus H. Christ," Biden said, " All I can tell Maliki Odierno is, "I'll be there." Where did you get that sir? I'm Odierno." The Vice President went on, "Sorry Gen Odama, I was just thinkin' of that song with the immortal words of Michael Jackson." Well Sir, should we reconsider that?" " I've got to take a nap now," said Mr. Biden. "Please tell my caddy to polish my sand wedge."
Entertainment News
London
Ozzy Osborne , in a sudden fit of public zeal has announced he is leaving the remaining half of his brain to science. After having destroyed most of his brain through inveterate drug, alcohol and assorted chemical use , Mr Osbourne decided after returning home from a cognac tasting at a nearby establishment that he must have a most unusual brain. (Is the Pope Catholic?)“I think I should give it to the Natural History Museum, where it could carry on with the dinosaurs, cro-magnons, jelly fish and House of Lords, or ‘wot not’”. He went on, “I’ve been on a bender for 40 years, knocking back four bottles of cognac a day.” “How could I still have a brain?” Most agree that is the question for science.
Mr. Osbourne went on to describe the amazing Ozzy brain, “You know I could be a doctor. I’m a hypochondriac; I catch diseases off the telly. Being ill is like a hobby, and I then go to the internet and Google my symptoms, and ‘la vous l’avez’, there’s the solution. I could go thru a life threatening disease I caught on the morning news, suffer its symptoms, diagnose it and cure it in time for dinner. I wonder if Google offers a degree in medicine or a degree in Googleology? I think I’ll talk to them about that.” He continued with a hint of glint from behind his blue shaded eyes. “They could offer a Dr. of Googleology in any field, a D.O.G., you know in auto mechanics, landscaping, and chemistry,psychotherapy. There’s just really no end to it!”
Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum announced today he has hit upon a "Brilliant, I say brilliant " solution to the leaking Depak c Horizon in the American Norte Gulf of Mexico et Odds and Ends for $40 Alex. (What did he say? ) Mr. Hayward, who was hunting in Sumatra, went on, "We intend to just wack out there, don't you know, and start throwing the ol' drill bits in and have a go at a 3rd relief well near Borneo, off Krakatoa,west of Java, by George. What ch'a think of that?" He re-freshed his gin from his folding bar, "We're going to just shoot right through the mantle and sneak up on the ol' black puddle from her underside, you know, sort ov' a quick goose to the receptionist sort of thing. We said to our selves at the club, ' Why be scooping it off the top by the barge load with all the dead pelicans and what not, when we could be just sucking the old girl dry from her bottom side? Brilliant, just brilliant."
British Petroleum, issued an open call for job fair offerings for positions on the rig, and already a flotilla of out-rigger canoes can be seen on the widening horizon. The smell and sound of the chinese outboard 2-strokes permiated the clean ocean air, as the boats appeared bearing natives from Mulu, Sarawak, and Tawitawi (land of the women) with their supplies of goats, bananas, aspirin, close relatives of goats, and your occasional Orangutan. Mr Hayward was trying to determine if they should require the wearing of hard hats by new employees,"You know, it doesn't really contribute to the bottom line, these hard plastic hats, and I haven't found a orangutan yet who would keep one one for long. Ingrates." At this point, Mr. Hayward pointed his Enfield rifle at the meandering Sumatran Rhinoceros at the feeding trough a few feet away and squeezed off a few rounds. "Jolly Ho, finally a clean kill."
Mrs Fred Ferguson had a beloved pet which she was about to lose, to death, the final frontier. Her "end of best friend's life couselor" (ELBFC) went over the alternatives-- cremation, burial, tombstone video(mpd). Then she had a new idea. Why not use a taxidermist to assist her in turning her beloved Fluffy, into a hat!! Perfect!! She could keep Fluffy in her kennel in the closet, just as always, FOR ETERNITY) ( or at least until one of her nieces cleans her closets) she could wear Fluffy to church, to the drug store to renew her prescriptions, or to the gun range. Then she thought, wouldn't that be a great gift idea--turn mom's beloved pet into a hat. For that matter, you wouldn't really have to wait till death from old age, you couild sort of hurry it along to paradise, so to speak. And what about the yapper that lives next door, that wakes you up at 2am? Just discretly arrange for it to be removed from its back yard and turned into a hat-- delivered by UPS. Is that just showing some love or what? The hat, for convenience, could be created to be worn with either end as the front. Whenever you wanted to see Fluffy, JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR. By shaking your head, you could cause Fluffy to wag his tail ! Sizes would vary of course, depending on the pet-- A shitzu on your head might be more attractive for a smaller framed woman, for example, while a St Bernard might be appropriate for skiing the Swiss (or French) Alps. The added warmth would be comforting, not to speak of the brandy. On the other hand, a hunter in the dead of winter might prefer "Old Jake"his favorite bird dog, as his favorite shapu. There are additional advantages-- no poop to clean up- no escalating vet bills from the emergency clinic and no boarding fees. Give the gift that keeps on barking, meowing, or hissing, give a Mrs Ferguson Chapeau.
GRANDMA LOSES HERSHEY BAR IN ZERO GRAVITY RECLINER
During an attempt to consume her favorite candy bar, Louise Gumballfahrtz watched her prized chocolate bar float away from her grasp while sitting in her new Zero Gravity recliner.
STUDY FINDS BLOGS ARE HONEY-POTS FOR IDIOTS
The Toll of Healthcare on Health
A study finds a study that found that people on pain pills are becoming ill from the extended health care debate. Drs. have seen patients claiming nausia and indigestion, heartburn and IBS as a direct result of the continuous cable news talk shows ranting, raving and/or endless discussions of health care. As a result, doctors are inclined to prescribe more morphine or aspirin than usual. However, many of the patients are unable to pay for the pain medication; insofar as they live under highway overpasses, and debt collectors have trouble harrassing them. Dr. Murray Finklestien said there has been a explosion of people at his office with projectile vomiting, and the nurses have been complaining because they've had to lay off the janitor. Doctors will be mounting a 'Million Doctor March' on Washington demanding more pain pills, and less talk on cable TV.
Obama Health Bill creates 'Death squads'
ap news, rooter circuits, malcom syndicate, ccn news, messnbc, messcbs, newsogram, foxxy news
Reliable sources from Fox news report the Obama administration has created 'Death squads' to seek out stray senior citizens to eliminate them from Medicare and other government health programs to reduce overall costs. These procedures are necessary in order for government to take control of all health care in america. International health care is the next target, and Obama intends to appoint an International Health Czar and Death Squad Coordinator to accomplish domination in these sectors. Squads have been seen reconnoitering throughout the United States disguised as "census takers, postal workers, and ambulance EMT units." In some instances they have appeared in the guise of firemen/women, or meter readers. (We know who's meter they want to read!!) Even lawyers have arrived promoting 'Living Wills' which are merely a ruse for 'end of life relief-- a pseudonym for 'death.' As a result, senior citizens riding electric scooters with the familiar orange warning flags have switched to scull and cross-bones black flags, and have been vanishing at an alarming rate, becoming an extinct census category. Should you spot any of these interlopers, first, check your gun, and then contact the "Betsy McCoy" conservative coordinator for your "Liberty Enclave." (There is now available an Obama Squad Medical Alert bracelet seniors can wear or carry.) There have also been clashes between these 'Obama Death Squads' and bands of roving, out of work, CEO's who have been trying to sell investment opportunites to the 'surviving' seniors. By passing this warning along, you will save the lives of ten senior citizens and have done your part to keep america safe from socialism. Have you checked on Grandma today? Remember, there could be an Obama Death Squad investigating you at any moment.
NBC, struggling to improve ratings, announced a new game show aiming to attract viewers who can't afford health insurance, but who can afford big screen tv's, will be called "Bowling for Healthcare." The bowler with the winning score will win a prepaid health care package worth $500,000, or health insurance good for 10 years or age 65, whichever occurs first. NBC figures it should have wide appeal for the 50 million Americans without health insurance, or bowling fans, and others who just don't feel well. NBC executives say. NBC, a subsidiary of GE, is governed by the same management accumen who oversaw a 70% decline in share value over the last 12 months. These executives will, of course, be in line for $200 mil in bonus's and stock. The new show is scheduled to start this fall programming season. Contestants with the direst medical conditions will receive the highest priority for getting on the show. The show's producers will have to provide special ramps, passageways and oxygen pursuant to ADA requirements. Contestants will be permitted to use their own bowling balls.
In an historic speech to The Republic's two houses of Parliment, Sarkozy announced the Burqa is not welcome in France. The full length Burqa is not compatible with French culture and goals. Women must be free to fully express themselves and their bodies. As a result, such clothing makes it impossible for the average French male to discern the exact shape and curves of women so dressed, and as such limits the freedom of men to observe, discuss, analyse, contemplate, debate and drool over such important national issues. The French constitution protects the right of French men to gaze upon the female body, (or that of the male, for that matter) and the right to ogle or as they say, "lorgne" and is deeply rooted in French tradition. However, because of the uproar of the muslim community, he was forced to issue a clarification. The President says he was misquoted. His wife, Carla Bruni, says she knew what he was driving at. He meant that women of this cultural background must only wear the burqa hat or "hijab", but nothing else. Carla said, "He insists I walk around the house and pool all the time wearing nothing but that ridiculous head thingy. I've learned I can hide an ipod in it. He jokes it is my 'ibod' getup. He is very patriotic: he did this only to protect the Constitution."
Shocking news surfacing in Michael Jackson case: Drugs and the Other Glove?
Another Jackson family leak coming through Joe, his discredited father, reveals a connection between Michael Jackson and Rush Limbaugh regarding the King of Pop's introducition to drugs. Sources within Neverland are saying Rush Limbaugh had invited Jackson to one of his Family Values seminars, or "Smokers" as both a donor and guest speaker. It was at one of these seminars El Rushbo broke out OxyContin and Hydrocodone simply to relax from the myriad of Family Tensions. Michael confessed his sins and his affinity for little smokies, and demons were then driven from his body. Rush said he preferred larger cigars, of a ring of size of 5 or more, especially the torpedoes. As a sign of solidarity, Rush started wearing Michael's other glove on his left hand: Thus solving the mystery "Where is Michael's other glove?" However, to keep the demons at bay, both Limbaugh and Jackson continued on in their use of OxyContin, Hydrcodone and other life saving relaxants for a period of time. Limbaugh, infamously confessed to his drug use on his radio show and ceased after a rehab program. Jackson's use was unknown until recently. Limbaugh received deferred adjudication for his drug encounters, Jackson apparently incurred a stiffer penalty.
CHAVEZ NATIONALIZES TOILET MANUFACTURING
In an effort to move forward with his Bolivarian Revolution and to flush out capitalism, President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has begun the expropriation of toilet manufacturers in an attempt to curb excessive water usage and broaden his voting base. In a secondary move, Chavez has also warned toilet paper manufacturers to reduce their prices and make their products softer and fluffier for all or else face expropriation. "We cannot continue to waste our valuable resources any longer like the evil Americans, and succumb to consumerism. Capitalism is the <fart> excuse me, the root of all that will be the downfall of our superior society, and today, we can again prevent its incursion into our lives by the nationalization of toilets", Chavez said during an emergency public address from his bathroom.
Late Late Breaker Breaker News --Shocking Cole Report Expose
Fox News reports Michelle Obama has now admitted failing to file Tax returns for 2001 through 2005. Mrs. Obama said what with raising the girls, shopping, having a legal career and having to constantly pay parking tickets and toll fines, she just overlooked the requirement for filing her ordinary IRS 1040 Return, Marrieds filing (possibly) separately. Mrs Obama said once her pencil broke and she just never got it fixed before 4-15; another time her printer broke; then she ran out of checks. "It's just one thing after another" the First Lady pointed out. I plan on catching up this year. Barack recommended a good CPA, "I think he got a refererence from Tim Geitner, the new Treasury secretary. Tim said he felt like he could grease the wheels on a smooth resolution of the issue,' she noted.
Yet Another Gender Discrimination Lawsuit Against Our Favorite Beer and Wingery...
Corpus Christi, Texas - Nikolai Grushevski (a man) has filed a gender discrimination
lawsuit against Hooters after being denied a serving position at the popular eatery.
Hooters, in its defense has stated that "if they started hiring males for serving positions,
they mine as well change the name from Hooters to Pooters".
Bush Calms the Teeming Masses; Only One Loaf of Bread and Smelling Fishy
Or, possibly 2 slices short of a loaf. A pale, gaunt and graying Pres Bush, looking like he had just been run over by the bus from Herbert Hoover heights, stood before the nation in order to 'splain why Republicans had decided that big government and regulation were, as Martha Stewart would put it, "A good thing." There was also that middle thing, that the party of reduced spending, low taxes , restricted debt and personal responsiblity must reach again into the taxpayers pocket to loan $700 Billion to corporations to prevent their failure in a free market capitalistic system. Nationalizing Freddie Mac an Sallie Mae are distinctly un- Republican, but very neo-con. After all, the Neo-cons are raring to spend the taxpayer money to romp around the world, shooting up the town, in order to destroy evil where they find it and advance the interests of Halliburton whenever possible. Sort of Don Quixote riding on an aircraft carrier. With a national debt approaching $10 trillion, we have to come up with enough money to not only keep our corporations afloat, but to keep China, Russia, Great Britain and Europe happy, so they will continue to buy enough of our treasury notes to enable us to achieve all of our grandiose dreams. And I can't help thinking, being the cynical dude I am, they are jumping on this just before the presidential election because it just wouldn't look right to have the nation utterly collapse three days before the election. Well, at least Bush, Cheney, and Paulson, "The axis of ignorance" have finally agreed not to insist on the CEO's getting their golden parachutes!! The matter is still in flux, as the Dems and Reps are trading back slaps in working out some compromise on how to do this massive task. We can harldy wait for the details, coming no doubt, from that famous graduate of the Buddy Hackett school of speech, Barney Frank. Hallelujah!! God save us all!!
Crude Oil Prices Surge
News trickled into the studio from reliable international oil trader Sheik Hasoon Dough Gettahere, that a Nigerian military security officer guarding the northern pipeline caught a severe case of stomach flu, leaving a 1000 yards of pipeline unguarded. Oil traders, acting on this emergency immediately drove oil prices up to $136 per barrel. No indication on how long prices will remain up. Gasoline retailers immediately raised prices 5 cents a gallon on news of this latest international emergency.
Houston Activates Force Field In Preparation for Hurricane Ike
At noon today a force field was activated over Houston which was accompanied by a dazzling light display in the atmosphere around the immediate downtown perimeter. Scientists including many who are part of the Cern Large Hadron supercollider project in Switzerland hailed this as a major advancement for mankind, and is almost as big as the Collider project itself. Local residents were astonished not only by the colorful lights surrounding the inner city, but also by the remarkable advancement of technology that had been a long held secret among the city's elite. Mayor White has asked that citizens outside the force field's bubble evacuate to Dallas, Austin, Fort Worth, or any other location besides Houston since the range of the field is very limited and there are just not enough hors d'oeuvres for everyone at this time. He also has said that all citizens within the bubble would not be allowed to leave, since that would be impossible at this point, and any attempt to dig a hole underneath the field would be futile.
Bush, Cheney and Paulson Acquire Fannie Mae/Mac with a U.S.Mastercard
President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Treasury Secretary Paulson acquire Fannie and Freddie using just issued new U.S.A. Mastercard. President Bush notes, "Another rough patch in the road necessitated we buy Freddie and Fannie.( Pres Bush has identified three rough patches so far this year) I have no qualms whatsoever of using 90 Billion of your money in doing this. I have no doubt the american people are good for this, as they pay their debts. ( Or the IRS, Banks, etc., take their homes) Sure, we could of regulated the lending industry, but that is really contrary to free market enterprise. It's really the fault of Democrats for failing to approve offshore drilling. Hey, it's our problem, we will pay for it. I plan to just struggle along with the rest of you, in my retirement in Crawford, Tx.." Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, former CEO Goldman Sachs, says, "I see no problem in bailing out the investment firms, like Bear Stearns, Fannie and Freddie, as they are financial institutions. As Gov Palin has pointed out, God wouldn't of created Banks and Mortgage Co.s if they weren't special."
Hurricane Ike passes through Cuba-- Fidel's cigar goes out.
Multiple leaks blowing out of Cuba have revealed that Fidel Castro's cigar has gone out. At first sources were unclear on whether, simply, an ash had fallen off, or whether it was pointing a different direction. A consensus of several sources seems to be that, in fact, it has been blown out by Ike. There is considerable discussion rampaging about on the island dictatorship as to how it might be re-lighted. Raul Castro has been contacted and he has ordered a fire brigade to the hospital to attempt to rekindle the eternal flame. At last posting, there has been no sign of renewed fumes. Cubans are fond of saying,"where there's smoke, there's Fidel." Stay tuned.
GOV PALIN CHALLENGES SEN BIDEN TO A MOOSE DRESSING
The Gov Palin campaign issued a challenge to the Obama/Biden ticket for a competitve moose field dressing. Once the suitably scrawny non -endangered moose can be located it will be asked to volunteer for duty for the good of the country. Gov Palin reputedly can field dress a 1200 lb moose in probably 20 minutes. She believes this will demonstrate her experience and ability to run the country should President McCain be shot down again and her ability to fight her way to safety if ever dropped, inadvertently , behind enemy lines. Sen Biden responded that this is just another example of dirty tricks, as he has no idea what size a moose wears, or what colors would be best to bring out the color of its eyes. Obama responded it is unfair competition as he only hunts with a spear, and game suitable for that would be more approriate to level the playing field, and has rejected the offer out of hand. Gov Palin continues to sharpen her skills otherwise.
LPGA ADOPTS "Plaid Pants Only" RULE
Sources close to sources at the LPGA have reported that a new "Plaid Pants Only" policy has been adopted, and will be enforced prior to the next golf season. Reasons for the new policy is to prevent golfers and fans alike from being mistaken for part of the course, as any other clothing may camouflage them with their surroundings, and to make televised broadcasts more colorful and entertaining to viewers with new flat screen TVs. However, the local chapter of the Pants Order of Right Thighs, or P.O.R.T, decided to offer their theory behind the ruling suggesting that "No one other than a white individual would wear such attire". This ruling came just after the LPGA decided to rescind its earlier policy requiring players to speak English.
DNC UPDATE - SENATOR OBAMICUS HAS SPOKEN!
Crowds chanted aloud "Extollo Obamicus! Muto, Reconcilio, Spero! Pax Americana!", as Obama was circled by droves of faeiries, centaurs, and nymphs. A lone cyclops, named Fred, was marched on stage as a symbolic gesture of unity for the Democrats. Hermes and Nemesis, the gods of commerce and revenge respectively, cast their blessings upon the candidate from the heavens after Obamicus' acceptance speech.
UNCLOGGED HAIR MASS MISTAKEN FOR TRIBBLE
A clump of hair removed from the kitchen of a diner was initially thought to be that of a dead tribble carcass, as reported by local health officials in Olympia, WA. Melvin ‘Flapjacks’ Johnson, owner of Mel’s Egg n’ Keg Diner said “We almost lost her to the grease trap, but after we retrieved it we gave it a good rinse in Prell shampoo to purdy’ it up for the camera.”
OBAMA OFFSPRING DISCOVERED!
It has been announced Barak Obama has an illegitimate morman child. Threads of an information leak have been trickling in and out of the THE COLEREPORT indicate the discovery of the love child, in Utah. While details and identity have not been disclosed to protect the child, it is known he sings in the Morman Tabernacle Choir. The Obama campaign vehemently denies the report and blames the Clinton Campaign for politics of distortion. Reports of the younger Obama surfaced when he listed his biological father in an application for MENSA membership.
WORLD FRUITCAKE BAN IN EFFECT
A world fruitcake ban went into effect late Friday by the United Nations to help prevent the destruction of palates around the world.
A Fruitcake
iNCOMPETANCY NOW SOCIETY ANNOUNCEMENT
Lou Dobbs, of CNN, famous for his campaign to “out, illegal aliens” because he sees them as the root of all economic evil in America today, has now introduced a program where the average citizen can participate in a solution of the illegal immigrant crisis. Mr. Dobbs is looking for volunteers to “drive an illegal alien” home. These volunteers will locate a local illegal alien or “IAIMA” (Illegal Alien In My Area) and place them in their car and drive them to a local border town designated by Lou Dobbs, where they will be lead across the border in a caravan by Lou himself. (No, not the Caravan Dodge minivan, as it would be too small, but a group of vehicles in a line.) Mr. Dobbs advises the first caravan will form up in Seattle, traveling north to Bellingham, and then crossing over to Vancouver. Please sign up with Mr. Dobbs CNN website, and prove your personal commitment to fixing this mess.
POPE VISITS U.S., SEEKS RIDE IN WEINERMOBILE
Reuters, rooters and Hooters & Strays; AP, Ruperts Wreck, Later Breakinger
news:
Those who have had an audience with Pope Benedict XVI say to expect a
Pontif who knows and admires much abouit the U.S. and his interest in all
things American. And upon meeting Pres Bush, the Pope proposed a trade-- he
wants to trade the Popemobile for the Oscar Meyer WeinerMobile. The Pope
felt a Germanic-American connection with the Weinermobile and felt it could
symbolize the close clerical relationship between the priesthood and
American parishoners. President Bush, commented cleverly, that since he
hadn't included Rome in the Evil empire, that such arrangements might be
possible. Also, the Pope clarified, again, in case there might still be any
lingering doubt, the Catholic Church was the only "true church." President
Bush responded, in his usual neo-conservative tactfulness, that as America
was the only country "The One True God Recognized," there could be a union
of mutual purpose. Condoleeza Rice chirped up, still sharpening her
diplomatic skills, that Stanford was the only "True University" and
Secretary Chertoff pointed out the Dept of Homeland Security, was the only
"True Department of Homeland Security' and is the rightful guardian of
sacred American Freedom--Including the now new role precipitated by these
new developments as "Guardian of the Weiner (Mobile)." All parties agreed
to meet later and throw the Pope a Birthday party.
DENNIS KUCINICH : ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
Jimmy Olsen, Daily Planet
Reuters nesters, Rooters, Hooters and Strays, McClutchy news, AP; LP, P P, I P Wire Services; Rupert’s Wreck
Some discussion has erupted over the sudden disappearance of Dennis Kucinich from the Presidential campaign. Sources close to the Congressman indicate he was abducted by aliens. The Secret Service, the FBI and the Pentagon investigated and determined he left in a weather balloon or possibly a cloud of swamp gas—most likely methane. Congressman Kucinich’s wife, Elizabeth indicated that while gas was a likely medium, the matter needs further investigation. Homeland Security chief, Michael Chertoff, indicated if they were aliens, they were undoubtedly illegal, and needed to be eradicated. Also, he said weather balloons must register with TSA or be jailed for questioning—and swamp gas must be licensed through Homeland Security.
CHINA ANNOUNCES IT’S ACQUIRING THE GOP FOR $50 BILLION
Reuters nesters, Rooters, Hooters and Strays, McClutchy news, AP; LP, P P, I P Wire Services; Rupert’s Wreck
In an aggressive move to duplicate US style capitalism, China has announced the acquisition or possible merger with the GOP, for $50B. GOP Chairman, Mike Duncan immediately announced, “We’re thinking it over.” Hu Jintao, China Chairman, said “Free Market Capitalism” is the best route to communist political and economic utopia. We believe the greatest asset for China to achieve utopia is the merger of the GOP and CPC. Many economic synergies’ can be accomplished in manufacturing, employment, and profit. Many techniques could be cross-phased, and sales techniques could employ water boarding for example, to reach sales objectives. Mike Duncan continued, “Hu is on first base with this interesting proposal and its what we’ve been looking for to improve our bottom line; and while I don’t know if it’ll work out we’re going to give it some serious thought.” At this time the takeover is not hostile, but amelioratory with many shared goals. The new company could be called ‘POGRAM.”
AUTHORITIES DETAIN PASSENGER WITH HUGE SCHLONG AND 6 POUND BALLS
UPS, Knight Rider, UPI, UZI, Upper Smegolia Startlegram, Denver Dooright News
By Jack Cole
Boston - Airport authorities detained Kashid Rasmachrunchie, a collector of historical artifacts after he was caught pushing a 600-pound naval cannon off of flight 1812, from Amsterdam to Boston. The cannon was a classic Sherwood Long Fire dubbed the Shlong, designed to fire a 6-pound ball or bullet, recoiling on carriage wheels. When queried as to how he was able to get the weapon on the plane he said he bought a first class ticket and put a hat on it and he boarded it with no trouble. They even served drinks to the cannon, which Kashid was able to dispose of admirably. He had nothing but compliments for the steward staff, and said, "If it wasn’t for the helpful stewardesses I could have never gotten it into the overhead bin! I’ll always fly American. Those little stewardesses on Japan Airways couldn’t lift a musket, much less one of these babies." Mr. Rasmachrunchie was detained while the INS reviewed his sixteen passports bearing separate identities. Later he had coffee and donuts with the FBI.
